It was bound to happen, I just didn’t expect it on the fourth day.
I broke my commitment. I didn’t write at all yesterday. Not on the blog, not in my journal, not in my manuscript software.
Wanna hear my reasons? It was Mother’s Day, so I got up early-ish to prepare gifts and breakfast-in-bed. We spent all day hanging out together, finishing up with a lovely, indulgent dinner at the caravan park restaurant. I was super tired at the end of the day, and when Bel asked if I’d like to write for a while before we watched a movie, I felt like this. (But, without the comedic timing, light-heartedness, and general awesomeness of Batman.)
This morning I woke up feeling terrible.
It took me a solid 1.5 hours after my alarm to even face getting out of bed. I haven’t felt this way for a long, long time. Once I finally got up and made my way around the bus a bit, I started bringing some awareness to my head-funk, to try and unlock what was going on.
I initially thought it was the glass of wine I’d had with dinner, or the slightly colder evening/morning we’d had. But once I sat down for some meditation to figure it out, I realised I was out of integrity. My head-funk was my body telling me I’d broken my promise to myself, and to you, and that was why I had woken up feeling like shit.
Integrity: Doing what you say you will do. Being truthful to yourself and others. The state of being whole and undivided.
No matter which way you slice it, I had experienced an integrity breach, and my internal alarm was sounding loud and clear.
So, now what? The meditation helped me clear the “feel like shit” stuff – mostly – so now it was all about how to get back into integrity with myself. I opened my laptop and began writing. To my delight, I effortlessly punched out 500 words to close out a chapter I’d begun a few nights ago. Even more delight: I felt much better.
My ego-based fears were still chattering away in the back of my head, but restoring my own integrity to myself, and to you, made me strong enough to deal with the mental chatter. I now know that I can’t miss a single day, or else my alarm will go off, and I’ll feel garbage.
Over to you. Are you in integrity with yourself? Or not? What are you going to do about it?