May 30, 2017

I am pushing the “PAUSE” button on my writing.

I want to write this book, but right now I am fighting it (and it is fighting me) every single day. I know why, but I also know that I am not in a position to do battle right now.

The why is as follows: I am up to the first point in my story where I made my tragic mistake that very nearly lost me everything. I am terrified of going deeply into my shame and my vulnerability and my guilt. I know I need to do this, and I know it is that which will make the book brilliant. But it terrifies me, and it is something I feel I can only do from a strong mental and physical base.

I am contending with two other factors right now, which are taking away my strong mental and physical base.

One, I am currently away from Kaley the bus, in a remote Indigenous community in West Arnhem Land, NT, and I am struggling with the heat, the lack of comfort, and the confronting nature of witnessing the current status quo for the world’s oldest living culture.

Two, as a result of being so remote, I have been eating completely the wrong things for my body and my brain. I’ve eaten sandwiches for the past few days, and I know they are making my brain feel sluggish and stupid because of the gluten. However, when a huge percentage of the population either don’t eat well, or don’t eat at all, I don’t feel it’s appropriate to reject food because I prefer eating Gluten Free. It feels like a horrible example of #FirstWorldProblems.

So. I am pushing Pause on this writing mission for a short while. I am not happy writing 200-300 words a day, disdainfully, when I feel like it is going into battle every day. It is not enjoyable. It is not fun. I am not interested in pushing myself into oblivion when my food and my energy levels are also fighting me.

The Resistance at play? Yeah, probably. But I need to manage my mental health and my love for this project.

I will fight this battle again, and soon, but from higher ground, with better supplies and stronger troops.

See you on the other side.

With love,
Israel. xo


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